


Everything he couldn’t put into words

by KingsOnThrones



Series: Sleep deprivated fanfic's that make no sense whatsoever [13]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, songfic??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:28:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22091854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingsOnThrones/pseuds/KingsOnThrones
Summary: Bucky finds a song that tells that which he never could.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark
Series: Sleep deprivated fanfic's that make no sense whatsoever [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1538635
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Everything he couldn’t put into words

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Metallica’s ‘One’.

Bucky really liked future-music. In comparison, the music from ‘his own’ age seemed boring and slow to him.

All of the Avengers had recommended him specific artists, bands and songs. Tony and Peter said he should listen to _Black Sabbath_ and _Guns ‘n Roses_ ; Natasha recommended a Belgian artist named Tamino -Bucky fucking loved the sound of his voice-; Clint and Wanda suggested some more pop related things like _In Cold Blood_ by _alt-J_. And so, everyone added something to his Spotify playlist _Snowflake discovers the future_ -guess who came up with the title-.

But it had been Sam who added _Metallica_ to the list.

Bucky loved it.

He loved the rawness, the guitars and the almost story-like songs. He hadn’t listened to it much and was discovering the songs as much as he could, alone on his floor for some me-time.

Which was what he was doing now. He’d shuffled Metallica -like Peter had shown him- for some more variation in the songs. He was still happy the queue was topped of by _Sad But True_ and _Nothing Else Matters_. Apparently, that was considered basic, but is wasn’t to Bucky who grew up in the ‘20s and ‘30s. Though, he hadn’t given a fuck either way. 

The third song in the queue was _One_. It started off – _different_ , somehow, slower and even more dark than usual. The intro was long, just when Bucky began to think this was a purely instrumental song, the lyrics began.

_I can’t remember anything_

_Can’t tell if this is true or dream_

Bucky froze.

_Deep down inside I feel to scream_

_This terrible silence stops me._

His eyes enlarged, he wanted it to stop, the song had to stop. He had to skip it, came to close, to fucking close. But Bucky was paralyzed and couldn’t move a muscle for the life of him, the only thing he could do was listen to the song. It engulfed him and took over his entire brain, the only thing there was, was the sound of James Hetfield singing.

_Now that the war is through with me_

_I’m waking up, I cannot see_

_That there’s not much left of me._

_Hold my breath as I wish for death_

_Oh please, God, help me_

It was true, so true. Tears started to swell in his eyes.

_Tied to machines that make me be_

_Cut this life off from me._

Tears streamed down his face; his hands had fallen onto his lap. He heard gunfire in the guitar solos, and he felt the cold of the cryo around him as the bridge began.

_Darkness imprisoning me_

_All that I see_

_Absolute horror._

_I cannot live_

_I cannot die_

_Trapped in myself_

_Body my holding cell._

This song – he felt like it had been written for him, _about_ him.

_Taken my soul_

_Left me with life in Hell_.

Everything he couldn’t put into words; someone had done for him… Everything he wanted to say, wanted to _scream_ , but couldn’t was in this one song. It summed up everything he felt, and he felt _so much_.

People always presumed that he was numb on the inside, but he wasn’t. Bucky _whished_ he was numb, that would have been so much better than all the feelings he felt without being able to distinguish them, without being able to tell them apart from each other, without being able to properly _feel_ them. Even the Soldier hadn’t been numb. The Winter Soldier hadn’t been the empty, feelingless shell of a man. He had felt everything as the Soldier -without knowing what feelings were- but he had been trained not to show any of them with whiplashes and _the Chair_.

All the agony since 1917 was that was locked up inside him, and what his -now phantom- muzzle prevented him from letting out, had been translated into this song.

Bucky listened to it for fuck knew how long. When it ended for what seemed like the 400th time, Bucky realised that he had -without knowing it- crawled into the corner of his room, pulled his knees up to his chest and _cried_.

Still lost in his head and feelings he closed his laptop, straightened the folds in his clothes, put on his best fake smile and walked out to the common floor, pretending he was perfectly fine.

“Hey James.”

Tony was looking and him with a soft smile. Bucky wondered why Tony wasted his time on him.

“You OK?”

That had been the wrong fucking thing to say and Bucky _broke_. Falling to his knees he tried to keep is shit together but failed miserably. “’S so true,” he whispered.

“Wha-What’s true, James?” Tony asked, worrying like fuck.

“One.”

Tony didn’t understand.

Bucky looked up at Tony and repeated: “One.”

JARVIS played the song. Tony stilled to as he listed to the lyrics. No words were spoken as Tony gently held Bucky in his arms.


End file.
